College

Well, as some of you may have heard, Brent is heading back to College. The story of why Brent is heading back to College, and the hilarious hijinks of his first few weeks, all happened just like this. (Any similarity of the following to any story of a certain other person heading back to College is strictly coincidental).

It was another lazy day at the University of B. The staff were busily sleeping at their desks or lounging in hammocks. Brent was awoken suddenly by the sound of incoming email arriving. The email urgently requested a contract be completed with MicroSun Logistics for some research or … well … something, anyway. Brent scampered to work and completed the contract in record time.

Soon, he was off to have the contract signed by the appropriate University signing officer. Once done, the contract was niftily sent off to MicroSun by First Class mail. Another job well done.

The weeks came and went pretty much as they always do at the University of B (Brent spent them fishing along the river, flying his kite … you know, the usual) until one day he noticed some commotion across the campus. Large MicroSun trucks and white-coated MicroSun employees were running to and fro as forlorn University of B employees looked on. After consulting with some of the MicroSun employees, Brent's devilish octogenarian boss, Mr. Durns, was able to gather that the contract Brent had so recently completed, in addition to providing for the terms of various research projects, also transferred title of the Stilton Cheesewright Engineering Building, the Bingo Little Library, the Roderick Spode Natural Sciences Building and the Boko Fittlesworth Administration Building to MicroSun for the duration of the contract – 33 1/3 years. After hearing this, Brent was invited by Mr. Durns to remove himself from the campus and await further instructions.

The buzzer sounds at the Davis’s flat, and Brent goes to answer it.

Brent: [answers the door, sees Durns with his lawyers] Aah!
Durns: Hello, Davis. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by. Beth: [nervously] Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?
[The lawyers discuss it quietly amongst themselves]
Lawyer: Yes, he would.

At the table, Brent asks Durns to confirm that he must go back to college.

Beth scoffs, asking Brent, "College? Barber or Clown?"
Durns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Contracting 101. Oh, and one more thing: [ominously] you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Swithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey; it was in your glove compartment.
Durns: And the road maps? And ice scraper?
Swithers: They were in there too, sir.
Durns: Ex-cellent! It's all falling into place.

That night, Beth expresses her support for the idea of Brent going back to college. "You could learn so much," she says. "Maybe you're right," replies Brent, "I did always want to go back to college.”

After slaving away at his applications, Brent walks in and preempts Beth's program for a show about college that he really should watch. The show is called "School of Hard Knockers", and it stars Corey Masterson.

Prez: [on TV] Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit. As you know, I am the President of the United States.
Dean: Oh, don't worry. I've expelled those rowdy members of Chugalug house.
Brent: [watching] Ohh, I hate that lousy Dean!
Corey: [on TV] Your Bra Bomb better work, Nerdlinger!
Nerd: Hey!
[Corey presses the plunger; an explosion occurs in the background]
[Many colors of bras rain down on the Dean and the President]
Dean: Corey?! Don't worry, Mr. President, I -- [looks over, sees the President dancing and enjoying himself] Mr. President!
Prez: Lighten up, Bitterman...that youngster will make a perfect addition to my cabinet. Secretary of Partying Down!
Dean: [growls; a bra falls on his head]
Brent: [triumphant] Yes! Take that, Bitterman.

Despite the obvious effort made by Brent to get into College, his applications are turned down.

Durns thinks he has a solution. He wants to use his power at B University, where he holds a chair. But the meeting is more difficult than he has foreseen.

Man: I'm sorry, Mr. Durns, but I must object. This Davis is not qualified!
[There are nods of agreement]
Durns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? [Everyone assents] Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, [Swithers hands him a baseball bat] not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules!
[Durns starts hitting the man in the head with almost no force]
Man: [noticing] Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Durns: I'm giving you the [grunt] beating of your life!
Man: Look, if -- stop that! -- you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?
Durns: [collapses from exertion] Swithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.

Hooray! Durns’ tactic worked! Brent has been accepted to College. A tutor is also arranged for Brent because, well, you know, he’s kind of dim. Brent wanders the college in search of room 222, where his tutors live. Finding it, he knocks on the door and is let in. When he greets the three nerds, who are tapping furiously at their keyboards, they answer in robotic voices, "Intruder Alert", and laugh.

Brent: Look, I'm supposed to get a tutor.
Nerd 1: Well, you've come to the right place then. If there's one thing we know, it is law.
Nerd 2: And computers.
Nerd 3: And the words to every Monty Python routine.
Nerds: [in unison] We are the Knights Who Say...Ni! Ni! [laughter]
Brent: Heh heh...Ni.

At dinner that night, Brent excitedly tells Beth about his three new friends.

Brent: We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.
Beth: Listen to yourself, man: you're hangin' with nerds.
Brent: You take that back!
Beth: Brent, please! These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.
Brent: Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy!
Beth: Nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include...popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and supreme court justice David Souter.
Brent: [gasp] Oh, not Souter! Oh, no!

Back with the Nerds...

Brent: Come on, guys. Look at yourselves! All you do is study. I'm going to show you the true meaning of college: we're gonna go out and par-ty!
Nerd 2: Wait a minute, I'll put on my snow pants.
Nerd 1: Me too.
Nerd 3: Me too.
Brent: Ah, the college road-trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

Beth sees Brent loading cases of beer in the car, and she goes out to him informing him that under no circumstances is he allowed to go out and spread beer-fuelled mayhem in her car. Undeterred, Brent still tries to figure out a way to kick-start the nerds' sociallives. He decides a big crazy prank might do the trick: maybe rollingthe Dean up in a carpet and throwing him off a bridge? Beth has a better idea: pignapping the B University mascot, Sir Oinkcelot. Brent combines the plans, suggesting they roll the pig up in a carpetand throw him off a bridge, but there are no takers. Under cover of darkness, the four accomplices set out to steal Sir Oinkcelot. When they lug the pig back to Brent's car, Brent startsplaying with its tail, noticing that even if you pull it straight, it curls right back up again - "Curly, straight, curly, straight!" He does it repeatedly until the pig chomps on his hand in annoyance. Brent has to be restrained from harming the poor innocent pig.

Shortly thereafter, back at the dorm...

Nerd 1: Hey, the pig's acting kind of funny.
Nerd 2: He and Mr. Davis split a case of malt liquor.
Nerd 3: Guys, he's really sick. [The pig collapses]
Dean: [outside] Hell-oo...that sounds like a pig fainting!

Fortunately, the pig's OK. Brent, the Dean, and the nerds watch as the pig is airlifted to safety, tied into a harness under a helicopter.
Dean: I'm sorry, boys, I've -- I've never expelled anyone before, but...that pig had some powerful friends.
Nixon: [bitterly] Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!

Brent decides the only recourse is to let them stay at the Davis house. Beth doesn't look too happy about it, but Brent pleads theircase.

Brent: Beth! They don't have anywhere to stay. And they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth!

Nerd 3: Mr. Davis? We all have nosebleeds.

In fact, they’ve bled all over Beth’s birthing equipment. The only recourse is to get the nerds back into college, thinks Brent,with a zany scheme of some sort. The nerds aren't sure about the "zany"idea, but Brent ignores them: "I got it! We're gonna fix it so you guys save the Dean's life!"

Later, Brent is behind the wheel, driving with a determined look on his face. He checks his watch, seeing "4:59", and says,"Perfect." He fishtails around the corner. The Dean is just leaving, closing the door on his way out. He whistlesas he strolls down the path to the parking lot. The nerds are hidingbehind a nearby bush.

Nerd 2: OK, guys: push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.
Nerd 1: Should we correct for wind resistance?
Nerd 3: Hmm, possibly. What do you think?
[Brent hits the Dean with his car, and the Dean goes flying]
Nerd 1: Oh, my.

In the Springfield General Hospital, Brent and the nerds stand besidethe Dean's bed. Brent apologizes for the "running-you-over prank", and he admits that all the other pranks were his idea too. "I'm the one who should be expelled." The Dean is touched by Brent's honesty, and he wonders if perhaps he's been a bit of an ogre himself. "Yes you have,"Brent confirms quietly."

The Dean magnanimously offers to readmit the nerds and to forget that the whole silly incident ever happened. The nerds move back into room 222, and check their answering machine."Number of messages received: zero," it says, and the three sigh withrelief. They thank Brent for getting them back into college, and he says, "The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends."

But Brent has forgotten why he was at college in the first place: "So,in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam," says the Contracting lecturer. "Exam?! This is just like one of those baddreams," Brent says from his seat in the back row; he then glances down,noticing he's wearing only his underwear.
Nerd 2: What are you going to do, Mr. Davis?
Brent: Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Nerd 2: [determined] Or, with our help, you can cram like you've never crammed before!
Brent: Whatever. Either way is good.

In the exam, Brent is one of the last to leave, but he hands in his paper with a smile, clicking his heels joyously. The instructor glances at his answers, and stamps a circled red "F" on his paper. The nerds are discontented with Brent's performance.

Nerd 2: Oh, man, I can't believe you failed.
Brent: [whining] Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!
Nerd 2: Mr. Davis, there is a way. We could -- well, use a computer to change your grade. Brent: [surprised] Computers can do that?
Nerd 2: Well, yes...the only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires --
[Brent kisses one of the computers] Brent: Oh, I love -- moral whuzzah?

Later… Beth: An A+! How did you do it?
Brent: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.
Beth: You changed your grade with a computer?
Brent: D'oh!

Brent: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
Nerd 2: No we didn't.
Brent: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard.
Beth: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught me was wrong.
Brent: Hmm...true.

Beth wants Brent to take the course over again so he can pass it without cheating. Brent accuses her of being worse than the crusty old Dean. But he sighs, accepting Beth's resolution.

Brent: Well, I guess it's back to college for me. And that means it's time to -- what did I teach you guys?
Nerds: [timidly] Par - ty - down?
Brent: Yess!

"Louie, Louie" plays over the closing credit. Um … anyway, it went something like that.