We thought we were done with this long ago. Weddings, that is. One year we went to five weddings including two where Beth was in the bridal party. Everyone we knew was married. Or married again. Or wasn’t ever going to get married. Life was good.
Now look what’s happened. We know three couples getting married. We have not been formally invited yet since we haven’t received any invitations, but we’ve been asked to keep some dates clear. Invited indeed.
So, this post is going to be a little public service - to the people getting married. We’ve been married for quite some time and have had plenty of time to ponder the act of marriage – specifically, the wedding - so we’ll give you our thoughts here. Oh, we have nothing to say about marriage after the wedding day. You’re on your own there, but as for the wedding, here goes.
To first understand the wedding, you must understand its symbols and origins. The main symbol of the wedding is, of course, the ring. Some mistakenly think that the ring symbolizes everlasting love because the ring, being in the shape of a circle, has no beginning and no end. What a crock. While it’s true the ring has the shape of a circle, the ring is actually meant to represent the letter “O,” as in Ownership.
Traditionally, the wedding was the day the groom purchased the wife from the wife’s family. In medieval times, the transaction was completed at auction. The auction is mimicked in modern weddings by the wedding “celebration” with the celebrant of the wedding ceremony playing the role of the auctioneer.
Now, when I purchased Beth at our wedddlkahjroti 4q[oiewoiq o[p# …
…
Brent’s blogging privileges have been revoked for the foreseeable future. This talk of ownership is clearly the last straw. I looked past the excessive use of wikipedia and the delusional states of being, but I am afraid I cannot look past this. In the previous post I was portrayed as Brent’s butler and now I am his ‘possession’. Brent may or may not return to the Idiossey pending the results of a psychiatric evaluation.
Nevertheless, congratulations to all of our friends planning nuptials this year. Remember, many marital problems can be avoided by discussing basic issues like, I don’t know, the meaning of marriage, long before walking down the aisle. Take it from me.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Swinton Park
It appears from the last blog post that Brent has been reading too many P.G. Wodehouse ‘Jeeves & Wooster’ books. His recounting of our stay at Swinton Park may be slightly affected by this. In reality, our stay involved much less scheming and certainly no match-making. I feel the need to translate Brent’s retelling into something a little more palatable for all those (everyone except Dave) who have not read Jeeves and Wooster.We spent the weekend in the country as guests of the Baron and Baroness of Masham at their estate, Swinton Park. I suppose all those who stay at the hotel are technically guests of the Baron and Baroness as it is their home, but I think our reservation was regarded as a personal invitation. I did after all pass the Baron in the main hallway one day and not by accident, I presume.
We had the idea that we wanted a relaxing weekend away and we wanted an excuse to rent a car and try our luck at driving on the left hand side of the road. When we found Swinton Park in our trusty Frommer’s Guide to England it sounded like the perfect spot: http://www.swintonpark.com/.
We picked up our rental car, a Hyundai Getz (in England this car manufacturer is pronounced HI-AND-DAI for some reason. Likely this stems from the same reason that Pantene shampoo is pronounced PAN-TEN rather than PAN-TEEN?! When living in another country it is really these little things that keep you amused) and practiced driving around some of our local sights (Hello Costco!! A stock-up where we don’t have to carry everything home in our backpacks!). Ahhhh, the freedom of being out on the road again. We are drivers. We drive. We let the car do the work, that’s our secret. We both assumed our roles – Brent was the driver due to his superior spatial abilities, less sporadic motions and flawless driving record (more than I can say for myself!!), while I was the navigator due to my ability to read the road signs (an obvious requirement, but a quality that Brent lacks), impeccable sense of direction and my calm and soothing voice reminding the driver to ‘stay to the left.’
After three attempts around the ring road and the one way streets of Leeds we finally made it out of the city! The one hour drive to Swinton Park let us practice some motorway driving and some winding country road skills. As we crossed through the gates of the Swinton Park property we opened our windows to smell the fresh country air and to take in the sounds of the birds chirping. This was going to be a great stay!
After checking-in we decided to kick start the relaxation mode. I had a massage in the spa and Brent, making his own version of a spa treatment, read his book in the bar. We both returned to the room one hour later with glazed eyes and a sense of peace.
We spent much of our time walking around the grounds. The grounds include a deer reserve, a pond, hiking trails, a lake, a walled garden, a spring garden and areas for such activities as archery, falconry, quoits, pony rides, croquet and golf. Every where you go on the grounds you can’t escape the sounds of the ducks, birds, pheasants and water rushing through the creek. Being surrounded by nature was so enjoyable for us. After all, the only wildlife we see in Leeds is drunken teenagers.
Our package included dinner and breakfast in the restaurant. Both were outstanding. Other highlights included our huge room with a fireplace in the bathroom and the complimentary gin and whisky in our room.
On our way home we stopped in the village of Masham, home of Theakston’s Brewery and Black Sheep Brewery - nothing like a village of a few hundred people with two award winning breweries. They are serious about their brew!
It was a great trip. It was a great place to spend a weekend and to relax. Luckily for us, there was no fire alarm at one in the morning, no prizes at the Masham Grammar School and no engagements. And most importantly, any resemblance I may bear to Jeeves is purely fictional. I am not actually Brent’s butler so he can make is own eggs and B and gin and tonic.
After checking-in we decided to kick start the relaxation mode. I had a massage in the spa and Brent, making his own version of a spa treatment, read his book in the bar. We both returned to the room one hour later with glazed eyes and a sense of peace.
We spent much of our time walking around the grounds. The grounds include a deer reserve, a pond, hiking trails, a lake, a walled garden, a spring garden and areas for such activities as archery, falconry, quoits, pony rides, croquet and golf. Every where you go on the grounds you can’t escape the sounds of the ducks, birds, pheasants and water rushing through the creek. Being surrounded by nature was so enjoyable for us. After all, the only wildlife we see in Leeds is drunken teenagers.
Our package included dinner and breakfast in the restaurant. Both were outstanding. Other highlights included our huge room with a fireplace in the bathroom and the complimentary gin and whisky in our room.
On our way home we stopped in the village of Masham, home of Theakston’s Brewery and Black Sheep Brewery - nothing like a village of a few hundred people with two award winning breweries. They are serious about their brew!
It was a great trip. It was a great place to spend a weekend and to relax. Luckily for us, there was no fire alarm at one in the morning, no prizes at the Masham Grammar School and no engagements. And most importantly, any resemblance I may bear to Jeeves is purely fictional. I am not actually Brent’s butler so he can make is own eggs and B and gin and tonic.
Much Obliged, Beth
Returning to Leeds from Cannes after several weeks with Brent’s Aunt Dahlia, her daughter Angela, and Angela's friend Madeline Bassett, Brent is informed that Gussie Fink-Nottle has been a frequent caller. And not for his company, it turns out -- rather, to consult with Beth in matters of the heart.
Gussie is in love with Madeline and has decamped from Hampshire to the metrop to court her. Beth advises him to accept her invitation to a fancy-dress ball, wearing a Mephistopheles costume. When Gussie muddles it by forgetting the address, his cabfare, and his latchkey, Brent decides that Beth has lost her form, and takes on Gussie's case.
Meanwhile, his aunt summons Brent down to Swinton Park to fill in for an ailing curate and distribute the prizes at Masham Grammar School. Brent demurs, and finding that Madeline will be one of a house party there, sends Gussie in his stead. But when Aunt Dahlia tells Brent that Angela has broken off her engagement to Brent's old school friend Tuppy Glossop, he realizes that his place is at his Aunt’s side, and goes to Swinton Park.
Beth has advised Brent that the way to reconcile the young couples is to ring the fire bell in the night, on the theory that the men will rush to rescue their beloveds, and tearful apologies will naturally follow. Brent (and Dahlia too) take this as a further sign of Beth losing her grip.
Instead, Brent instructs Gussie to lay off the breakfast meats in order to convince Madeline that he pines for her. Seizing on this idea, he also instructs Tuppy to push away his plate un-tasted at dinner to similarly convince Angela, and as well Dahlia (to soften up Brent’s Uncle Tom for a touch to make up what Aunt Dahlia lost on the roulette wheel at Cannes). Unfortunately, the stream of untouched plates returning to the kitchen sends Anatole (the chef) into a rage, and he gives his notice.
Undaunted, Brent attempts to address Gussie's inability to propose to Madeline, as well as his terror at the prospect of speaking a few short words at the prize-giving. He discovers that Gussie never takes anything stronger than orange juice, and devises a scheme to spike his beverage with something that will give him courage. Unfortunately, when the hour comes, Gussie has already inflicted the same cure on himself. Brent's plenty, on top of a dose administered by Beth, affects Gussie in a spectacular fashion. He proposes to Madeline, ticks off Uncle Tom properly, and delivers the speech to end all speeches at the prize-giving, which ends in a very nasty scene.
After his shameful performance, Madeline promptly returns Gussie to the store, and he responds by immediately proposing to -- and being accepted by -- Angela. Tuppy, having been suspicious that another man had misappropriated Angela's affections, now has confirmation, and sets off to disembowel Gussie with his bare hands.
Meanwhile, Dahlia has finally managed to get Anatole to withdraw his notice. Her cheerful description of this event to Brent is interrupted by Seppings, her butler, asking whether it is her wish that Mr. Fink-Nottle should be making faces at Anatole through the skylight of his bedroom. Gussie had found that the only escape from Tuppy was via the roof, and, once up, was unable to descend, so he has attempted to communicate to Anatole his desire for him to open the skylight. Anatole is enraged and gives notice again; Gussie hides in his room; and Brent again considers what scheme can get his loved ones out of the soup.
He finally relents to Beth's fire-bell scheme, and, at one in the morning, while all the staff is at a party at a distant house and the residents and guests of Swinton Park are asleep, rings the bell for all it is worth. The house-party assembles on the lawn with some dismay. Brent notices, first, that no rescuing seems to have taken place; and second, that the house seems to have been locked behind them, leaving all to spend a cold night until the staff returns.
At Beth’s suggestion, Brent is drafted to bicycle to the site of the party to retrieve the rear door key from Seppings, a perilous journey in the dark across nine miles of bad road. On arriving he is informed that Seppings had left the key in the possession of Beth. Returning to Swinton Park, hot with the knowledge of Beth’s treachery, Brent finds a major beano in progress: Anatole has again withdrawn his notice, Tom has covered Dahlia's gambling losses, Tuppy and Angela and Gussie and Madeline are again engaged.
Beth reveals that the fire bell was but the first part of the scheme, and that the operative part was to unite the differing parties in their common dislike of some other individual, in this case, Brent. Once Brent departed on his midnight sojourn, the conversation tended to focus on him, and became personal and derisive, which had had a bonding effect on the feuding parties. When they realized his journey was unnecessary, the anger melted to a kind of fond pity, and all was forgiven.
I guess Beth has not lost her touch afterall.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Yorkshire Lass
The ladies at work have taken it upon themselves to turn me into a proper Yorkshire Lass. My training is quite extensive. I have vocabulary lessons, accent lessons, history lessons, geography lessons and behaviour lessons. Somewhere between all of that we find time to teach some student midwives. But let’s be honest, my Yorkshire training is really the priority.
The accent lessons generally involve my colleagues laughing hysterically while I try to say things with a Yorkshire accent. My geography lessons occur when my one colleague, Anne, and I drive all around Sheffield to see the midwifery students while they are on placement. This also usually involves some history and trivia. For example, last week I learned that the area in Sheffield called ‘Pittsmoor’ (dodgy end of town, commonly referred to as simply “Pitts”) got it’s name from the fact that it was a mining neighbourhood and there were literally mining pits on the moors. I also learned that Sheffield Wednesday – one of the football clubs in the city got its name because in the beginning all the players had other factory jobs, but their bosses would give them Wednesday off to practice with the team.
My vocabulary lessons are perhaps the most entertaining. My colleagues really do find it odd that I don’t know these very important and useful words. I thought I would share some of the vocabulary I have been learning. Some of it is basic British terminology, but some of it is regional vocabulary only spoken in Sheffield and surrounding area.
Ay-oop – friendly greeting. “Ay-oop, alright then?”
Brew – A cup of tea. “Want some brew?”
Bril – Shortened version of Brilliant. “The Sheffield United match last night were bril.”
Chuffed – pleased, happy. “I was absolutely chuffed about hearing Patti & Dave’s news!”
Could do – phrase meaning you could do that. “Should I mash some brew?” “Yes, you could do.”
Creased up – to laugh. “When Brent said that I completely creased up.”
Dodgy – suspicious, not on the up and up. “The Avonmore Hotel was a bit dodgy.”
Dosh – a lot of cash. “Just got me dosh today.”
Ginnel – covered alley between houses. “When Nigel came home drunk his wife chased him down the ginnel.”
Git – a geek or a bastard depending on the emphasis. “He’s a right old git.”
Give it a miss – To pass on something. “Hey Brent, do you want to try the bangers and mash?” “Umm, no I think I’ll give it a miss.”
Gob – mouth. “Shut your gob.”
Gutted – devastated. “Brent was gutted to find out the Leafs lost again.”
Have done – phrase meaning something has already been done. “Could you do the hoovering?” “I have done.”
Jack the lad – a wonderful guy. “That bloke thinks he’s Jack the Lad.”
Lurgy – cold/flu type illness. “Beth was off work with the lurgy yesterday.”
Mardy – easily irritated or hurt. “Teenagers can be so mardy.”
Mashing – brewing. “The tea is mashing.”
Mickey – to tease or pull your leg, can be used as ‘taking the mickey out on someone.’ “Brent was taking the mickey out on Beth when he said she would never be a Yorkshire lass.”
Naff – terrible, no good. “My first draft of my thesis were naff.”
Nesh – easily chilled. “Beth was feeling a bit nesh, so she put on her jumper.”
Nick – to steal. “Someone nicked me pen.”
Not Bothered – not concerned. “How do you feel about the test tomorrow?” “Oh, I’m not bothered.”
Nowt – nothing. “You’ve done nowt all day.”
Owt – something/anything. “Brent said he’d mash the tea, but he hasn’t done owt.”
Parky – chilly. “Parky today ain’t it.”
Revising – to study. “I have been revising for the test all week.”
Shattered – exhausted, stressed out. “When I got home from work yesterday I was shattered.”
Sixes and Sevens – at wit’s end. “Brent was at sixes and sevens trying to put together the IKEA bookcase.”
Snog – kiss. “Brad probably got glandular fever (mono) from all that snogging.”
Sod it – screw it. “This revising is stupid – sod it!”
Spice – sweets, candy. “I am craving some spice today.”
Suss – to figure something out. “Brent sussed out me desire not to do the hoovering.”
Ta – thanks. “Here’s your tea.” “Ta.”
Trousers – pants. Pants are what men’s underwear is called so it is important not to say something like “nice pants.”
Untrue – unbelievable. “He were so shattered, it were untrue.”
Were – was, used in verb form. Was is not said in Yorkshire. Hence all the silly uses of were in the previous sentences. “The Sheffield United match last night were bril.”
The accent lessons generally involve my colleagues laughing hysterically while I try to say things with a Yorkshire accent. My geography lessons occur when my one colleague, Anne, and I drive all around Sheffield to see the midwifery students while they are on placement. This also usually involves some history and trivia. For example, last week I learned that the area in Sheffield called ‘Pittsmoor’ (dodgy end of town, commonly referred to as simply “Pitts”) got it’s name from the fact that it was a mining neighbourhood and there were literally mining pits on the moors. I also learned that Sheffield Wednesday – one of the football clubs in the city got its name because in the beginning all the players had other factory jobs, but their bosses would give them Wednesday off to practice with the team.
My vocabulary lessons are perhaps the most entertaining. My colleagues really do find it odd that I don’t know these very important and useful words. I thought I would share some of the vocabulary I have been learning. Some of it is basic British terminology, but some of it is regional vocabulary only spoken in Sheffield and surrounding area.
Ay-oop – friendly greeting. “Ay-oop, alright then?”
Brew – A cup of tea. “Want some brew?”
Bril – Shortened version of Brilliant. “The Sheffield United match last night were bril.”
Chuffed – pleased, happy. “I was absolutely chuffed about hearing Patti & Dave’s news!”
Could do – phrase meaning you could do that. “Should I mash some brew?” “Yes, you could do.”
Creased up – to laugh. “When Brent said that I completely creased up.”
Dodgy – suspicious, not on the up and up. “The Avonmore Hotel was a bit dodgy.”
Dosh – a lot of cash. “Just got me dosh today.”
Ginnel – covered alley between houses. “When Nigel came home drunk his wife chased him down the ginnel.”
Git – a geek or a bastard depending on the emphasis. “He’s a right old git.”
Give it a miss – To pass on something. “Hey Brent, do you want to try the bangers and mash?” “Umm, no I think I’ll give it a miss.”
Gob – mouth. “Shut your gob.”
Gutted – devastated. “Brent was gutted to find out the Leafs lost again.”
Have done – phrase meaning something has already been done. “Could you do the hoovering?” “I have done.”
Jack the lad – a wonderful guy. “That bloke thinks he’s Jack the Lad.”
Lurgy – cold/flu type illness. “Beth was off work with the lurgy yesterday.”
Mardy – easily irritated or hurt. “Teenagers can be so mardy.”
Mashing – brewing. “The tea is mashing.”
Mickey – to tease or pull your leg, can be used as ‘taking the mickey out on someone.’ “Brent was taking the mickey out on Beth when he said she would never be a Yorkshire lass.”
Naff – terrible, no good. “My first draft of my thesis were naff.”
Nesh – easily chilled. “Beth was feeling a bit nesh, so she put on her jumper.”
Nick – to steal. “Someone nicked me pen.”
Not Bothered – not concerned. “How do you feel about the test tomorrow?” “Oh, I’m not bothered.”
Nowt – nothing. “You’ve done nowt all day.”
Owt – something/anything. “Brent said he’d mash the tea, but he hasn’t done owt.”
Parky – chilly. “Parky today ain’t it.”
Revising – to study. “I have been revising for the test all week.”
Shattered – exhausted, stressed out. “When I got home from work yesterday I was shattered.”
Sixes and Sevens – at wit’s end. “Brent was at sixes and sevens trying to put together the IKEA bookcase.”
Snog – kiss. “Brad probably got glandular fever (mono) from all that snogging.”
Sod it – screw it. “This revising is stupid – sod it!”
Spice – sweets, candy. “I am craving some spice today.”
Suss – to figure something out. “Brent sussed out me desire not to do the hoovering.”
Ta – thanks. “Here’s your tea.” “Ta.”
Trousers – pants. Pants are what men’s underwear is called so it is important not to say something like “nice pants.”
Untrue – unbelievable. “He were so shattered, it were untrue.”
Were – was, used in verb form. Was is not said in Yorkshire. Hence all the silly uses of were in the previous sentences. “The Sheffield United match last night were bril.”
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Bradford
We’ve been here almost six months now and I’ve decided that it’s about time to take a better look at what we’ve gotten ourselves into. Most of you, dear readers, will know that I (Brent) work in Bradford. After a little digging, I’ve discovered the most interesting thing to have ever happened in Bradford was the Bradford Riot.
Background
The City of Bradford is generally a working class, ethnically mixed area of England. Since its rapid growth in the 19th Century there have been a series of influxes of immigrants. Notably Irish, Poles and people from South Asia. At the time of the riot, Bradford had the second highest population of Asians in the United Kingdom, approximately 68,000 Pakistani, 12,500 Indian and 5,000 Bangladeshi, although the vast majority of people in the district are white (Ethnicity: 78.3% White, and 18.9% S.Asian)
Ethnic segregation had been unintentionally exacerbated by the phenomenon of “white flight”. Both the White & Asian communities chose over the course of a few decades to preferentially live in areas with others from the same background to the extent that Manningham and Toller were 60% and 64% South Asian, respectively, while Tong and Wibsey were 93% and 91% White, respectively.
Part of the culture clash between the Muslim and white communities was, allegedly, the differing attitudes towards alcohol. While drinking was widely seen as fully acceptable by the white community with perhaps binge drinking and alcoholism being frowned upon, Muslim culture forbids any form of intoxication.
I Predict a Riot
Prior to the riot there were riots in Burnley a fortnight earlier and Oldham two months previously. The tensions rose after the National Front attempted to organise a march in Bradford. This was banned by Bradford Council. The Anti Nazi League organised a counter march which was allowed to proceed. During the course of the march a rumour was spread by some of the marchers that National Front sympathisers were gathering at a pub in the center of Bradford. A confrontation then occurred outside the pub in the city centre during which an Asian man was stabbed. According to the appeal court, this incident almost certainly triggered the riot as 'the Asian community was understandably concerned to defend itself against right-wing groups'.
Burn Baby Burn
The riot was estimated to have involved 1,000 youths mostly of Pakistani muslim background. Initial estimates were of 500 police being involved but later estimates increased this number to 1,000. What began as a riot then turned into a race-related disturbance. Asian Muslim males targeted businesses and cars and there were numerous attacks on shops and property. A notable point of the rioting was the firebombing of Manningham Labour Club, which at the time was a recreational centre, essentially used by the white minority in the Manningham area. A 48 year old Pakistani Muslim man was jailed for twelve years for the arson attack, he was found to be reckless with other peoples lives but not guilty of having intentionally endangered lives.
A mob numbering between 60 and 100 South Asian youths smashed windows and threw molotov cocktails into the members club, forcing the 28 occupants to flee upstairs until the gang was dispersed by riot police. Exits were blocked by burning cars so the occupants could not flee the burning building. Several public houses were also attacked by muslim youths.
Several revenge riots followed a few days later, with a hundred white youths attacking police in Ravenscliffe, and an Asian-owned Pizza restaurant, in Tong Street, destroyed by a gang of white youths.
Aftermath
More than 300 people were injured during the riot including 120 police. Thirty-six people were arrested on the day of the riot (13 white and 23 asian). Some weeks later the pictures of several hundred rioters were published in the local press and circulated in the local communities. Many of those pictured subsequently handed themselves in and made full confessions. Estimates of the damage caused were initially £10 million which subsequently rose to £27 million. Several of the pubs attacked have not been re-opened. Sentences for the rioting were up to 6 years, reduced for confession. Some sentences were appealed and the court of appeal ruled that some but not all were excessive. It was described as 'unfortunate' that the background of the riot was stated not to be of interest to the court by the original judge.
Question
When, do you suppose the riot took place? The Depression – you know – lining up for soup or something? The post-war years? The sixties? Blame Thatcher? No, no, no.
Answer
July 7, 2001.
Background
The City of Bradford is generally a working class, ethnically mixed area of England. Since its rapid growth in the 19th Century there have been a series of influxes of immigrants. Notably Irish, Poles and people from South Asia. At the time of the riot, Bradford had the second highest population of Asians in the United Kingdom, approximately 68,000 Pakistani, 12,500 Indian and 5,000 Bangladeshi, although the vast majority of people in the district are white (Ethnicity: 78.3% White, and 18.9% S.Asian)
Ethnic segregation had been unintentionally exacerbated by the phenomenon of “white flight”. Both the White & Asian communities chose over the course of a few decades to preferentially live in areas with others from the same background to the extent that Manningham and Toller were 60% and 64% South Asian, respectively, while Tong and Wibsey were 93% and 91% White, respectively.
Part of the culture clash between the Muslim and white communities was, allegedly, the differing attitudes towards alcohol. While drinking was widely seen as fully acceptable by the white community with perhaps binge drinking and alcoholism being frowned upon, Muslim culture forbids any form of intoxication.
I Predict a Riot
Prior to the riot there were riots in Burnley a fortnight earlier and Oldham two months previously. The tensions rose after the National Front attempted to organise a march in Bradford. This was banned by Bradford Council. The Anti Nazi League organised a counter march which was allowed to proceed. During the course of the march a rumour was spread by some of the marchers that National Front sympathisers were gathering at a pub in the center of Bradford. A confrontation then occurred outside the pub in the city centre during which an Asian man was stabbed. According to the appeal court, this incident almost certainly triggered the riot as 'the Asian community was understandably concerned to defend itself against right-wing groups'.
Burn Baby Burn
The riot was estimated to have involved 1,000 youths mostly of Pakistani muslim background. Initial estimates were of 500 police being involved but later estimates increased this number to 1,000. What began as a riot then turned into a race-related disturbance. Asian Muslim males targeted businesses and cars and there were numerous attacks on shops and property. A notable point of the rioting was the firebombing of Manningham Labour Club, which at the time was a recreational centre, essentially used by the white minority in the Manningham area. A 48 year old Pakistani Muslim man was jailed for twelve years for the arson attack, he was found to be reckless with other peoples lives but not guilty of having intentionally endangered lives.
A mob numbering between 60 and 100 South Asian youths smashed windows and threw molotov cocktails into the members club, forcing the 28 occupants to flee upstairs until the gang was dispersed by riot police. Exits were blocked by burning cars so the occupants could not flee the burning building. Several public houses were also attacked by muslim youths.
Several revenge riots followed a few days later, with a hundred white youths attacking police in Ravenscliffe, and an Asian-owned Pizza restaurant, in Tong Street, destroyed by a gang of white youths.
Aftermath
More than 300 people were injured during the riot including 120 police. Thirty-six people were arrested on the day of the riot (13 white and 23 asian). Some weeks later the pictures of several hundred rioters were published in the local press and circulated in the local communities. Many of those pictured subsequently handed themselves in and made full confessions. Estimates of the damage caused were initially £10 million which subsequently rose to £27 million. Several of the pubs attacked have not been re-opened. Sentences for the rioting were up to 6 years, reduced for confession. Some sentences were appealed and the court of appeal ruled that some but not all were excessive. It was described as 'unfortunate' that the background of the riot was stated not to be of interest to the court by the original judge.
Question
When, do you suppose the riot took place? The Depression – you know – lining up for soup or something? The post-war years? The sixties? Blame Thatcher? No, no, no.
Answer
July 7, 2001.
Yorkshire Blizzard
There is snow in Yorkshire.
And Lincolnshire, Staffordshire, Bedfordshire, Essex, Wessex, East Anglia and, well, everywhere. Its the biggest snow storm for 5 years. Trains delayed or cancelled, thousands of schools closed and airports shut. How much snow could cause such mayhem? Two feet? A foot? No. That would be silly. Try two inches.
I've spent the day trying to figure out how such a minimal amount of snow could bring the nation to a standstill. The answer must be in one, or a combination, of the following factors:
1. The English drive in the snow as if it was a clear spring day. No defensive driving or pumping the brakes for this lot. Full speed ahead and damn the snow tires.
2. The road salters appear to drop salt in a foot-wide line down the middle of the road. Excellent if you are driving a one-wheeled car in the middle of the road but ineffective otherwise.
3. Despite any number of passes, the snow plows fail to remove all but the tiniest amount of snow. This is likely due to the fact that English roads are not flat but rather have a convex shape making it virtually impossible to remove any snow via plow. Even the Plow King would be screwed.
All this is preamble to the declaration that I'm staying home from work tomorrow. I'm Canadian, dammit, and I've seen enough snow to last a lifetime.
And Lincolnshire, Staffordshire, Bedfordshire, Essex, Wessex, East Anglia and, well, everywhere. Its the biggest snow storm for 5 years. Trains delayed or cancelled, thousands of schools closed and airports shut. How much snow could cause such mayhem? Two feet? A foot? No. That would be silly. Try two inches.
I've spent the day trying to figure out how such a minimal amount of snow could bring the nation to a standstill. The answer must be in one, or a combination, of the following factors:
1. The English drive in the snow as if it was a clear spring day. No defensive driving or pumping the brakes for this lot. Full speed ahead and damn the snow tires.
2. The road salters appear to drop salt in a foot-wide line down the middle of the road. Excellent if you are driving a one-wheeled car in the middle of the road but ineffective otherwise.
3. Despite any number of passes, the snow plows fail to remove all but the tiniest amount of snow. This is likely due to the fact that English roads are not flat but rather have a convex shape making it virtually impossible to remove any snow via plow. Even the Plow King would be screwed.
All this is preamble to the declaration that I'm staying home from work tomorrow. I'm Canadian, dammit, and I've seen enough snow to last a lifetime.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
Our Only Home
Today Al Gore is speaking at the University of Sheffield - the UK's 'greenest' city. Sadly, I was unable to get tickets to hear him speak. His appearance is quite timely as spring seems to have come early to the UK. There are daffodils and crocuses in full bloom in February. I am told this is a month earlier than usual. This is just one example of the effects of global warming. Most people have now experienced some form of climate change such as warmer temperatures or increased storm activity. This issue impacts everyone. It is now time to take action.
“The era of procrastination, of half measures of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays, is coming to a close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.” –Winston Churchill
If you aren't sure where to begin, start by watching 'An Inconvenient Truth' the film by Al Gore. This film is not flawless - it doesn't describe what habits and behaviours have contributed to the problem; it doesn't describe what will happen to the planet if we change our ways; nor does it describe what each of us can do to be part of the solution - but it is a good place to start.
“Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons and daughters of the earth. We did not weave the web of life; we are merely a strand in it. Whatever we do to the web, we do it to ourselves.” – Chief Seattle
As a nation, Canada is defined and influenced by our wilderness and nature. For this reason we need to protect it. Canada could be a leader in the global task of addressing climate change. Our politicians need to know that this issue is a priority for Canadians. So after you've watched the film, write a letter to your MP and to the Minister of the Environment.
“If we don’t change direction soon, we’re liable to end up where we are headed.”
Next, think about your personal behaviour and decisions. We can all play a role in addressing climate change through our daily actions. The planet, our only home, and future generations will pay the consequences of our laziness.
“Your trouble comes from not seeing the impact that one small voice, one idea or belief can have on a world that is out of control.” – Tom Brown
Check out the links below if you need ideas for what to do next.
http://www.climatecrisis.net/takeaction/
http://www.ec.gc.ca/climate/home-e.html
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/Climate_Change/
“The era of procrastination, of half measures of soothing and baffling expedients, of delays, is coming to a close. In its place we are entering a period of consequences.” –Winston Churchill
If you aren't sure where to begin, start by watching 'An Inconvenient Truth' the film by Al Gore. This film is not flawless - it doesn't describe what habits and behaviours have contributed to the problem; it doesn't describe what will happen to the planet if we change our ways; nor does it describe what each of us can do to be part of the solution - but it is a good place to start.
“Whatever befalls the earth befalls the sons and daughters of the earth. We did not weave the web of life; we are merely a strand in it. Whatever we do to the web, we do it to ourselves.” – Chief Seattle
As a nation, Canada is defined and influenced by our wilderness and nature. For this reason we need to protect it. Canada could be a leader in the global task of addressing climate change. Our politicians need to know that this issue is a priority for Canadians. So after you've watched the film, write a letter to your MP and to the Minister of the Environment.
“If we don’t change direction soon, we’re liable to end up where we are headed.”
Next, think about your personal behaviour and decisions. We can all play a role in addressing climate change through our daily actions. The planet, our only home, and future generations will pay the consequences of our laziness.
“Your trouble comes from not seeing the impact that one small voice, one idea or belief can have on a world that is out of control.” – Tom Brown
Check out the links below if you need ideas for what to do next.
http://www.climatecrisis.net/takeaction/
http://www.ec.gc.ca/climate/home-e.html
http://www.davidsuzuki.org/Climate_Change/
“Never underestimate the power of a few committed people to change the world. Indeed it is the only thing that ever has.” – Margaret Mead
Friday, February 02, 2007
Leaf Nation
Look what happens when one of us is cut off from hockey for too long.
http://thestar.blogs.com/thespin/ Look at "Mailbag - Feb 1, 2007"
He has to go making appearances on other people's hockey blogs. Sadly intellectual hockey debates do not fill the void. This is battle conditions!
http://thestar.blogs.com/thespin/ Look at "Mailbag - Feb 1, 2007"
He has to go making appearances on other people's hockey blogs. Sadly intellectual hockey debates do not fill the void. This is battle conditions!
Thursday, February 01, 2007
College
Well, as some of you may have heard, Brent is heading back to College. The story of why Brent is heading back to College, and the hilarious hijinks of his first few weeks, all happened just like this. (Any similarity of the following to any story of a certain other person heading back to College is strictly coincidental).
It was another lazy day at the University of B. The staff were busily sleeping at their desks or lounging in hammocks. Brent was awoken suddenly by the sound of incoming email arriving. The email urgently requested a contract be completed with MicroSun Logistics for some research or … well … something, anyway. Brent scampered to work and completed the contract in record time.
Soon, he was off to have the contract signed by the appropriate University signing officer. Once done, the contract was niftily sent off to MicroSun by First Class mail. Another job well done.
The weeks came and went pretty much as they always do at the University of B (Brent spent them fishing along the river, flying his kite … you know, the usual) until one day he noticed some commotion across the campus. Large MicroSun trucks and white-coated MicroSun employees were running to and fro as forlorn University of B employees looked on. After consulting with some of the MicroSun employees, Brent's devilish octogenarian boss, Mr. Durns, was able to gather that the contract Brent had so recently completed, in addition to providing for the terms of various research projects, also transferred title of the Stilton Cheesewright Engineering Building, the Bingo Little Library, the Roderick Spode Natural Sciences Building and the Boko Fittlesworth Administration Building to MicroSun for the duration of the contract – 33 1/3 years. After hearing this, Brent was invited by Mr. Durns to remove himself from the campus and await further instructions.
The buzzer sounds at the Davis’s flat, and Brent goes to answer it.
Brent: [answers the door, sees Durns with his lawyers] Aah!
Durns: Hello, Davis. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by. Beth: [nervously] Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?
[The lawyers discuss it quietly amongst themselves]
Lawyer: Yes, he would.
At the table, Brent asks Durns to confirm that he must go back to college.
Beth scoffs, asking Brent, "College? Barber or Clown?"
Durns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Contracting 101. Oh, and one more thing: [ominously] you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Swithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey; it was in your glove compartment.
Durns: And the road maps? And ice scraper?
Swithers: They were in there too, sir.
Durns: Ex-cellent! It's all falling into place.
That night, Beth expresses her support for the idea of Brent going back to college. "You could learn so much," she says. "Maybe you're right," replies Brent, "I did always want to go back to college.”
After slaving away at his applications, Brent walks in and preempts Beth's program for a show about college that he really should watch. The show is called "School of Hard Knockers", and it stars Corey Masterson.
Prez: [on TV] Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit. As you know, I am the President of the United States.
Dean: Oh, don't worry. I've expelled those rowdy members of Chugalug house.
Brent: [watching] Ohh, I hate that lousy Dean!
Corey: [on TV] Your Bra Bomb better work, Nerdlinger!
Nerd: Hey!
[Corey presses the plunger; an explosion occurs in the background]
[Many colors of bras rain down on the Dean and the President]
Dean: Corey?! Don't worry, Mr. President, I -- [looks over, sees the President dancing and enjoying himself] Mr. President!
Prez: Lighten up, Bitterman...that youngster will make a perfect addition to my cabinet. Secretary of Partying Down!
Dean: [growls; a bra falls on his head]
Brent: [triumphant] Yes! Take that, Bitterman.
Despite the obvious effort made by Brent to get into College, his applications are turned down.
Durns thinks he has a solution. He wants to use his power at B University, where he holds a chair. But the meeting is more difficult than he has foreseen.
Man: I'm sorry, Mr. Durns, but I must object. This Davis is not qualified!
[There are nods of agreement]
Durns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? [Everyone assents] Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, [Swithers hands him a baseball bat] not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules!
[Durns starts hitting the man in the head with almost no force]
Man: [noticing] Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Durns: I'm giving you the [grunt] beating of your life!
Man: Look, if -- stop that! -- you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?
Durns: [collapses from exertion] Swithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.
Hooray! Durns’ tactic worked! Brent has been accepted to College. A tutor is also arranged for Brent because, well, you know, he’s kind of dim. Brent wanders the college in search of room 222, where his tutors live. Finding it, he knocks on the door and is let in. When he greets the three nerds, who are tapping furiously at their keyboards, they answer in robotic voices, "Intruder Alert", and laugh.
Brent: Look, I'm supposed to get a tutor.
Nerd 1: Well, you've come to the right place then. If there's one thing we know, it is law.
Nerd 2: And computers.
Nerd 3: And the words to every Monty Python routine.
Nerds: [in unison] We are the Knights Who Say...Ni! Ni! [laughter]
Brent: Heh heh...Ni.
At dinner that night, Brent excitedly tells Beth about his three new friends.
Brent: We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.
Beth: Listen to yourself, man: you're hangin' with nerds.
Brent: You take that back!
Beth: Brent, please! These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.
Brent: Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy!
Beth: Nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include...popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and supreme court justice David Souter.
Brent: [gasp] Oh, not Souter! Oh, no!
Back with the Nerds...
Brent: Come on, guys. Look at yourselves! All you do is study. I'm going to show you the true meaning of college: we're gonna go out and par-ty!
Nerd 2: Wait a minute, I'll put on my snow pants.
Nerd 1: Me too.
Nerd 3: Me too.
Brent: Ah, the college road-trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?
Beth sees Brent loading cases of beer in the car, and she goes out to him informing him that under no circumstances is he allowed to go out and spread beer-fuelled mayhem in her car. Undeterred, Brent still tries to figure out a way to kick-start the nerds' sociallives. He decides a big crazy prank might do the trick: maybe rollingthe Dean up in a carpet and throwing him off a bridge? Beth has a better idea: pignapping the B University mascot, Sir Oinkcelot. Brent combines the plans, suggesting they roll the pig up in a carpetand throw him off a bridge, but there are no takers. Under cover of darkness, the four accomplices set out to steal Sir Oinkcelot. When they lug the pig back to Brent's car, Brent startsplaying with its tail, noticing that even if you pull it straight, it curls right back up again - "Curly, straight, curly, straight!" He does it repeatedly until the pig chomps on his hand in annoyance. Brent has to be restrained from harming the poor innocent pig.
Shortly thereafter, back at the dorm...
Nerd 1: Hey, the pig's acting kind of funny.
Nerd 2: He and Mr. Davis split a case of malt liquor.
Nerd 3: Guys, he's really sick. [The pig collapses]
Dean: [outside] Hell-oo...that sounds like a pig fainting!
Fortunately, the pig's OK. Brent, the Dean, and the nerds watch as the pig is airlifted to safety, tied into a harness under a helicopter.
Dean: I'm sorry, boys, I've -- I've never expelled anyone before, but...that pig had some powerful friends.
Nixon: [bitterly] Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!
Brent decides the only recourse is to let them stay at the Davis house. Beth doesn't look too happy about it, but Brent pleads theircase.
Brent: Beth! They don't have anywhere to stay. And they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth!
Nerd 3: Mr. Davis? We all have nosebleeds.
In fact, they’ve bled all over Beth’s birthing equipment. The only recourse is to get the nerds back into college, thinks Brent,with a zany scheme of some sort. The nerds aren't sure about the "zany"idea, but Brent ignores them: "I got it! We're gonna fix it so you guys save the Dean's life!"
Later, Brent is behind the wheel, driving with a determined look on his face. He checks his watch, seeing "4:59", and says,"Perfect." He fishtails around the corner. The Dean is just leaving, closing the door on his way out. He whistlesas he strolls down the path to the parking lot. The nerds are hidingbehind a nearby bush.
Nerd 2: OK, guys: push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.
Nerd 1: Should we correct for wind resistance?
Nerd 3: Hmm, possibly. What do you think?
[Brent hits the Dean with his car, and the Dean goes flying]
Nerd 1: Oh, my.
In the Springfield General Hospital, Brent and the nerds stand besidethe Dean's bed. Brent apologizes for the "running-you-over prank", and he admits that all the other pranks were his idea too. "I'm the one who should be expelled." The Dean is touched by Brent's honesty, and he wonders if perhaps he's been a bit of an ogre himself. "Yes you have,"Brent confirms quietly."
The Dean magnanimously offers to readmit the nerds and to forget that the whole silly incident ever happened. The nerds move back into room 222, and check their answering machine."Number of messages received: zero," it says, and the three sigh withrelief. They thank Brent for getting them back into college, and he says, "The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends."
But Brent has forgotten why he was at college in the first place: "So,in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam," says the Contracting lecturer. "Exam?! This is just like one of those baddreams," Brent says from his seat in the back row; he then glances down,noticing he's wearing only his underwear.
Nerd 2: What are you going to do, Mr. Davis?
Brent: Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Nerd 2: [determined] Or, with our help, you can cram like you've never crammed before!
Brent: Whatever. Either way is good.
In the exam, Brent is one of the last to leave, but he hands in his paper with a smile, clicking his heels joyously. The instructor glances at his answers, and stamps a circled red "F" on his paper. The nerds are discontented with Brent's performance.
Nerd 2: Oh, man, I can't believe you failed.
Brent: [whining] Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!
Nerd 2: Mr. Davis, there is a way. We could -- well, use a computer to change your grade. Brent: [surprised] Computers can do that?
Nerd 2: Well, yes...the only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires --
[Brent kisses one of the computers] Brent: Oh, I love -- moral whuzzah?
Later… Beth: An A+! How did you do it?
Brent: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.
Beth: You changed your grade with a computer?
Brent: D'oh!
Brent: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
Nerd 2: No we didn't.
Brent: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard.
Beth: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught me was wrong.
Brent: Hmm...true.
Beth wants Brent to take the course over again so he can pass it without cheating. Brent accuses her of being worse than the crusty old Dean. But he sighs, accepting Beth's resolution.
Brent: Well, I guess it's back to college for me. And that means it's time to -- what did I teach you guys?
Nerds: [timidly] Par - ty - down?
Brent: Yess!
"Louie, Louie" plays over the closing credit. Um … anyway, it went something like that.
It was another lazy day at the University of B. The staff were busily sleeping at their desks or lounging in hammocks. Brent was awoken suddenly by the sound of incoming email arriving. The email urgently requested a contract be completed with MicroSun Logistics for some research or … well … something, anyway. Brent scampered to work and completed the contract in record time.
Soon, he was off to have the contract signed by the appropriate University signing officer. Once done, the contract was niftily sent off to MicroSun by First Class mail. Another job well done.
The weeks came and went pretty much as they always do at the University of B (Brent spent them fishing along the river, flying his kite … you know, the usual) until one day he noticed some commotion across the campus. Large MicroSun trucks and white-coated MicroSun employees were running to and fro as forlorn University of B employees looked on. After consulting with some of the MicroSun employees, Brent's devilish octogenarian boss, Mr. Durns, was able to gather that the contract Brent had so recently completed, in addition to providing for the terms of various research projects, also transferred title of the Stilton Cheesewright Engineering Building, the Bingo Little Library, the Roderick Spode Natural Sciences Building and the Boko Fittlesworth Administration Building to MicroSun for the duration of the contract – 33 1/3 years. After hearing this, Brent was invited by Mr. Durns to remove himself from the campus and await further instructions.
The buzzer sounds at the Davis’s flat, and Brent goes to answer it.
Brent: [answers the door, sees Durns with his lawyers] Aah!
Durns: Hello, Davis. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by. Beth: [nervously] Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?
[The lawyers discuss it quietly amongst themselves]
Lawyer: Yes, he would.
At the table, Brent asks Durns to confirm that he must go back to college.
Beth scoffs, asking Brent, "College? Barber or Clown?"
Durns: Remember, your job and the future of your family hinges on your successful completion of Contracting 101. Oh, and one more thing: [ominously] you must find the jade monkey before the next full moon.
Swithers: Actually sir, we found the jade monkey; it was in your glove compartment.
Durns: And the road maps? And ice scraper?
Swithers: They were in there too, sir.
Durns: Ex-cellent! It's all falling into place.
That night, Beth expresses her support for the idea of Brent going back to college. "You could learn so much," she says. "Maybe you're right," replies Brent, "I did always want to go back to college.”
After slaving away at his applications, Brent walks in and preempts Beth's program for a show about college that he really should watch. The show is called "School of Hard Knockers", and it stars Corey Masterson.
Prez: [on TV] Dean Bitterman, I hope nothing unsavory happens during my visit. As you know, I am the President of the United States.
Dean: Oh, don't worry. I've expelled those rowdy members of Chugalug house.
Brent: [watching] Ohh, I hate that lousy Dean!
Corey: [on TV] Your Bra Bomb better work, Nerdlinger!
Nerd: Hey!
[Corey presses the plunger; an explosion occurs in the background]
[Many colors of bras rain down on the Dean and the President]
Dean: Corey?! Don't worry, Mr. President, I -- [looks over, sees the President dancing and enjoying himself] Mr. President!
Prez: Lighten up, Bitterman...that youngster will make a perfect addition to my cabinet. Secretary of Partying Down!
Dean: [growls; a bra falls on his head]
Brent: [triumphant] Yes! Take that, Bitterman.
Despite the obvious effort made by Brent to get into College, his applications are turned down.
Durns thinks he has a solution. He wants to use his power at B University, where he holds a chair. But the meeting is more difficult than he has foreseen.
Man: I'm sorry, Mr. Durns, but I must object. This Davis is not qualified!
[There are nods of agreement]
Durns: I see. Well, you know, fellows, I look at the admissions board a lot like a baseball team. You all like baseball, don't you? [Everyone assents] Yes, well, to have a successful baseball club, you need teamwork, [Swithers hands him a baseball bat] not some hot-dog admissions officer playing by his own rules!
[Durns starts hitting the man in the head with almost no force]
Man: [noticing] Er, excuse me, what are you doing?
Durns: I'm giving you the [grunt] beating of your life!
Man: Look, if -- stop that! -- you wanted him that badly, why didn't you just say so?
Durns: [collapses from exertion] Swithers, dismember the corpse and send his widow a corsage.
Hooray! Durns’ tactic worked! Brent has been accepted to College. A tutor is also arranged for Brent because, well, you know, he’s kind of dim. Brent wanders the college in search of room 222, where his tutors live. Finding it, he knocks on the door and is let in. When he greets the three nerds, who are tapping furiously at their keyboards, they answer in robotic voices, "Intruder Alert", and laugh.
Brent: Look, I'm supposed to get a tutor.
Nerd 1: Well, you've come to the right place then. If there's one thing we know, it is law.
Nerd 2: And computers.
Nerd 3: And the words to every Monty Python routine.
Nerds: [in unison] We are the Knights Who Say...Ni! Ni! [laughter]
Brent: Heh heh...Ni.
At dinner that night, Brent excitedly tells Beth about his three new friends.
Brent: We played Dungeons & Dragons for three hours! Then I was slain by an elf.
Beth: Listen to yourself, man: you're hangin' with nerds.
Brent: You take that back!
Beth: Brent, please! These boys sound very nice, but they're clearly nerds.
Brent: Really? But nerds are my mortal enemy!
Beth: Nerds are nothing to fear. In fact, they've done some pretty memorable things. Some nerds of note include...popcorn magnate Orville Redenbacher, rock star David Byrne, and supreme court justice David Souter.
Brent: [gasp] Oh, not Souter! Oh, no!
Back with the Nerds...
Brent: Come on, guys. Look at yourselves! All you do is study. I'm going to show you the true meaning of college: we're gonna go out and par-ty!
Nerd 2: Wait a minute, I'll put on my snow pants.
Nerd 1: Me too.
Nerd 3: Me too.
Brent: Ah, the college road-trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?
Beth sees Brent loading cases of beer in the car, and she goes out to him informing him that under no circumstances is he allowed to go out and spread beer-fuelled mayhem in her car. Undeterred, Brent still tries to figure out a way to kick-start the nerds' sociallives. He decides a big crazy prank might do the trick: maybe rollingthe Dean up in a carpet and throwing him off a bridge? Beth has a better idea: pignapping the B University mascot, Sir Oinkcelot. Brent combines the plans, suggesting they roll the pig up in a carpetand throw him off a bridge, but there are no takers. Under cover of darkness, the four accomplices set out to steal Sir Oinkcelot. When they lug the pig back to Brent's car, Brent startsplaying with its tail, noticing that even if you pull it straight, it curls right back up again - "Curly, straight, curly, straight!" He does it repeatedly until the pig chomps on his hand in annoyance. Brent has to be restrained from harming the poor innocent pig.
Shortly thereafter, back at the dorm...
Nerd 1: Hey, the pig's acting kind of funny.
Nerd 2: He and Mr. Davis split a case of malt liquor.
Nerd 3: Guys, he's really sick. [The pig collapses]
Dean: [outside] Hell-oo...that sounds like a pig fainting!
Fortunately, the pig's OK. Brent, the Dean, and the nerds watch as the pig is airlifted to safety, tied into a harness under a helicopter.
Dean: I'm sorry, boys, I've -- I've never expelled anyone before, but...that pig had some powerful friends.
Nixon: [bitterly] Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!
Brent decides the only recourse is to let them stay at the Davis house. Beth doesn't look too happy about it, but Brent pleads theircase.
Brent: Beth! They don't have anywhere to stay. And they're geniuses. They'll solve all our problems. They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth!
Nerd 3: Mr. Davis? We all have nosebleeds.
In fact, they’ve bled all over Beth’s birthing equipment. The only recourse is to get the nerds back into college, thinks Brent,with a zany scheme of some sort. The nerds aren't sure about the "zany"idea, but Brent ignores them: "I got it! We're gonna fix it so you guys save the Dean's life!"
Later, Brent is behind the wheel, driving with a determined look on his face. He checks his watch, seeing "4:59", and says,"Perfect." He fishtails around the corner. The Dean is just leaving, closing the door on his way out. He whistlesas he strolls down the path to the parking lot. The nerds are hidingbehind a nearby bush.
Nerd 2: OK, guys: push him out of the way in exactly three seconds.
Nerd 1: Should we correct for wind resistance?
Nerd 3: Hmm, possibly. What do you think?
[Brent hits the Dean with his car, and the Dean goes flying]
Nerd 1: Oh, my.
In the Springfield General Hospital, Brent and the nerds stand besidethe Dean's bed. Brent apologizes for the "running-you-over prank", and he admits that all the other pranks were his idea too. "I'm the one who should be expelled." The Dean is touched by Brent's honesty, and he wonders if perhaps he's been a bit of an ogre himself. "Yes you have,"Brent confirms quietly."
The Dean magnanimously offers to readmit the nerds and to forget that the whole silly incident ever happened. The nerds move back into room 222, and check their answering machine."Number of messages received: zero," it says, and the three sigh withrelief. They thank Brent for getting them back into college, and he says, "The important thing is that we wrapped up all the loose ends."
But Brent has forgotten why he was at college in the first place: "So,in conclusion, good luck on tomorrow's big final exam," says the Contracting lecturer. "Exam?! This is just like one of those baddreams," Brent says from his seat in the back row; he then glances down,noticing he's wearing only his underwear.
Nerd 2: What are you going to do, Mr. Davis?
Brent: Actually, I've been working on a plan. During the exam, I'll hide under some coats, and hope that somehow everything will work out.
Nerd 2: [determined] Or, with our help, you can cram like you've never crammed before!
Brent: Whatever. Either way is good.
In the exam, Brent is one of the last to leave, but he hands in his paper with a smile, clicking his heels joyously. The instructor glances at his answers, and stamps a circled red "F" on his paper. The nerds are discontented with Brent's performance.
Nerd 2: Oh, man, I can't believe you failed.
Brent: [whining] Oh, I'm going to lose my job just 'cause I'm dangerously unqualified!
Nerd 2: Mr. Davis, there is a way. We could -- well, use a computer to change your grade. Brent: [surprised] Computers can do that?
Nerd 2: Well, yes...the only problem is the moral dilemma it raises, which requires --
[Brent kisses one of the computers] Brent: Oh, I love -- moral whuzzah?
Later… Beth: An A+! How did you do it?
Brent: Oh, let's just say I had help from a little magic box.
Beth: You changed your grade with a computer?
Brent: D'oh!
Brent: Look, the important thing is that we all learned a lesson. These guys learned the richness and variety of the world outside college.
Nerd 2: No we didn't.
Brent: Oh. Then I learned the real value of college is to study, and work hard.
Beth: No you didn't. You only passed your course by cheating, which you always taught me was wrong.
Brent: Hmm...true.
Beth wants Brent to take the course over again so he can pass it without cheating. Brent accuses her of being worse than the crusty old Dean. But he sighs, accepting Beth's resolution.
Brent: Well, I guess it's back to college for me. And that means it's time to -- what did I teach you guys?
Nerds: [timidly] Par - ty - down?
Brent: Yess!
"Louie, Louie" plays over the closing credit. Um … anyway, it went something like that.
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